Scraps-n-Drafts...

Picture a comedian actually writing these down...like I did, except picture a real comedian...

Bloomberg and the huge soda skit...A guy interviewing with him for a campaign...He keeps going to bathroom and bringing back a larger soda...

Was it the advertising that made you try those?...No, they are just delicious...

We meet again...Yeah, whatever...

The video shown during a newscast where a person is introduced and a video shows them speaking, but with no voice as newscaster tells the audience how special the person is...Like, look, we really did talk with this person...see...and he is wonderful...

The gall of someone to say if you do this you can win that...like you can meet me...like who really needs to meet anyone...With that said, I hope to one day meet Jack White...and Bob Dylan...and Derek Jeter...I met Ray Allen once...that was pretty cool...If you can write a 1,000 word essay on why someone would ever want to meet you then you can win a chance to meet me!...

Forget your wine tasting...I'm interested in ice coffee tasting...tastes like creativity...

People that walk around during the day like it's a fashion show are ridiculous and need to be destroyed...a city block is not a runway...

How To Train Your Dragon...I'm not sure if that's the name of some children's book or some infomercial late at night...

People ask me when I tell them I was an insomniac for like four years, "How did you function?"...I'm not convinced what I did was function...If a car was an insomniac and functioned like I did for those four years, there would be a lot of nearby functioning people not functioning anymore...You say function enough and it starts to feel funky...feel funky is much different than taste or smell funky...no?...Not convinced I'm functioning again quite yet...maybe I should go to an insomniac function and see how all the other sleepless people function...

I'd say I will see you at the next convention, The Redhead's Convention, but I will not be there, I am not a redhead...this is orange hair...but I think they don't call it Redhead but Redhead's because they really want to sell that it's their convention......"I heard the next convention is the Redneck Convention"...Oh, then I will see you at that one...

Do I need an application into the asylum?  I've got a box that contains hundreds of little pieces of paper with random thoughts on them...a box which my cat Bob Dylan pissed on and I've kept it because something inside me thinks I will use or need those some day...that's my application...

My fiancée's cat pulled a real classy move...taking a huge crap and blowing up the whole apartment at 3 in the morning...real classy...He also stands on pillows...

It's a really cheap laundromat...but the thing is if you don't pick up your clothes on time they give them away...it's really weird too because they give them away to the last customer that night...I left them there and my clothes were given away and then I was doing a wash a few weeks ago and this guy was wearing my tshirt...I said to him, "Nice tshirt......look, it was really good to me, take good care of it......and, oh...give me my fucking clothes back"...we are now Facebook friends...and both our pictures have us wearing my tshirt...

I am Larry David's idol... I think that's how it goes...

Born in 1947, the younger of two sons of a clothing salesman and a housewife, David had “a wonderful childhood,” he has said, adding, “Which is tough, because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”

Like many comedians, Larry David carries a pocket notebook for writing down ideas.

I think I got the saying mixed up...when I was young I thought my mom said that you shouldn't say anything unless you have something funny to say...and that's my rationalization for not talking much...until I have a joke to offer...but now I realize the saying is don't say anything unless you have something nice to say..."Well, you aren't saying anything nice or funny right now, so shut up!"...my mom also said...

Some like to talk politics...I like to talk class...I'm not talking economic status...but class as in whose got it...got class...delve into how fiancé's cat got no class...wears the same thing everyday...where is he now? Nobody knows, he stays out until three in the morning, comes home and blows up the apartment, as in goes to the bathroom...

It Sounds Even Better When I Say It Out Loud (Aloud?)...name of book...that hasn't been written and probably never will be...

People ask me what my books about and I tell them I'm not writing a book...I'm sick of people assuming I write books just because I look so intelligent...

...but then I choose to write a book and people ask me what it's about...but then people don't ask me and I pretend they even know I exist and are interested in what I have to say...in writing, a lot...talking, I've got nothing...but, anyways, the book that I'm pretending I'm writing is about my observations of society... I'm not really happy with society right now and think it needs a little talking to......good thing I wrote that instead of getting sleep...good thing...

Today is the last day of the rest of my life...

Laughter when there isn't supposed to be...that was not funny...that is not my opinion, it's fact...so, why'd you laugh?...