Scraps-n-Drafts...

Picture a comedian actually writing these down...like I did, except picture a real comedian...

Bloomberg and the huge soda skit...A guy interviewing with him for a campaign...He keeps going to bathroom and bringing back a larger soda...

Was it the advertising that made you try those?...No, they are just delicious...

We meet again...Yeah, whatever...

The video shown during a newscast where a person is introduced and a video shows them speaking, but with no voice as newscaster tells the audience how special the person is...Like, look, we really did talk with this person...see...and he is wonderful...

The gall of someone to say if you do this you can win that...like you can meet me...like who really needs to meet anyone...With that said, I hope to one day meet Jack White...and Bob Dylan...and Derek Jeter...I met Ray Allen once...that was pretty cool...If you can write a 1,000 word essay on why someone would ever want to meet you then you can win a chance to meet me!...

Forget your wine tasting...I'm interested in ice coffee tasting...tastes like creativity...

People that walk around during the day like it's a fashion show are ridiculous and need to be destroyed...a city block is not a runway...

How To Train Your Dragon...I'm not sure if that's the name of some children's book or some infomercial late at night...

People ask me when I tell them I was an insomniac for like four years, "How did you function?"...I'm not convinced what I did was function...If a car was an insomniac and functioned like I did for those four years, there would be a lot of nearby functioning people not functioning anymore...You say function enough and it starts to feel funky...feel funky is much different than taste or smell funky...no?...Not convinced I'm functioning again quite yet...maybe I should go to an insomniac function and see how all the other sleepless people function...

I'd say I will see you at the next convention, The Redhead's Convention, but I will not be there, I am not a redhead...this is orange hair...but I think they don't call it Redhead but Redhead's because they really want to sell that it's their convention......"I heard the next convention is the Redneck Convention"...Oh, then I will see you at that one...

Do I need an application into the asylum?  I've got a box that contains hundreds of little pieces of paper with random thoughts on them...a box which my cat Bob Dylan pissed on and I've kept it because something inside me thinks I will use or need those some day...that's my application...

My fiancée's cat pulled a real classy move...taking a huge crap and blowing up the whole apartment at 3 in the morning...real classy...He also stands on pillows...

It's a really cheap laundromat...but the thing is if you don't pick up your clothes on time they give them away...it's really weird too because they give them away to the last customer that night...I left them there and my clothes were given away and then I was doing a wash a few weeks ago and this guy was wearing my tshirt...I said to him, "Nice tshirt......look, it was really good to me, take good care of it......and, oh...give me my fucking clothes back"...we are now Facebook friends...and both our pictures have us wearing my tshirt...

I am Larry David's idol... I think that's how it goes...

Born in 1947, the younger of two sons of a clothing salesman and a housewife, David had “a wonderful childhood,” he has said, adding, “Which is tough, because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”

Like many comedians, Larry David carries a pocket notebook for writing down ideas.

I think I got the saying mixed up...when I was young I thought my mom said that you shouldn't say anything unless you have something funny to say...and that's my rationalization for not talking much...until I have a joke to offer...but now I realize the saying is don't say anything unless you have something nice to say..."Well, you aren't saying anything nice or funny right now, so shut up!"...my mom also said...

Some like to talk politics...I like to talk class...I'm not talking economic status...but class as in whose got it...got class...delve into how fiancé's cat got no class...wears the same thing everyday...where is he now? Nobody knows, he stays out until three in the morning, comes home and blows up the apartment, as in goes to the bathroom...

It Sounds Even Better When I Say It Out Loud (Aloud?)...name of book...that hasn't been written and probably never will be...

People ask me what my books about and I tell them I'm not writing a book...I'm sick of people assuming I write books just because I look so intelligent...

...but then I choose to write a book and people ask me what it's about...but then people don't ask me and I pretend they even know I exist and are interested in what I have to say...in writing, a lot...talking, I've got nothing...but, anyways, the book that I'm pretending I'm writing is about my observations of society... I'm not really happy with society right now and think it needs a little talking to......good thing I wrote that instead of getting sleep...good thing...

Today is the last day of the rest of my life...

Laughter when there isn't supposed to be...that was not funny...that is not my opinion, it's fact...so, why'd you laugh?...

...Scraps-n-drafts...

- I thought she was going to be good because she looked like she had soul -- but then she said she was going to "bring the funk" and I decided to go home -- not a big fan of when the funk is brought.

- First scenes: Bro, "We got no freakin' players!"

- Calling Bob "gray bear"...bro thinking I said "gay bear"..."No, he looks like a gray bear"..."Gray bear...bob cat...he looks like a graybear-bobcat...in that order".

- Sit across from Mo Fo on train, look at 'em and take notes.

- Metaphor Mock: "Laughter is the best medicine"...That guy knows what I'm talking about...that's why he rocks the mustache - he's got a sense of humor.

"Read in between the lines"...Well, that's what I was told so I did...I read in-between the lines...didn't like what i was reading so decided to write in between these lines...you say that in a redneck voice it sounds retarded; in say, a British accent, genius -- I don't have either accents so I'm just gonna keep writing.

- I'm gonna take a pic of Art, call it Art, and it's not subjective because it IS Art - non-debatable.

- First scenes: Have two teenagers staring at pay phone flabbergasted (so shocked, surprised, confused that they have gas?) at what this thing is..."Let me
call my mom and tell her about what we found".

- Skit - dude on train looking at passengers/ and have a narrator say what he's thinking/ make it racial, make it sexy...what I'm trying to say is
"to-da-ba-cono-ma. - have dude laughing at horrible sitcom/comedian...like I was today.

- I'd write in this more often, but I'm usually too busy watching BET.

- Dissect how I can't believe, how it's beyond my belief system, it's 2010...oh my God!

- First scences: Bro sitting on couch and Bobby attacking his arm/ me telling Bob, "Get 'em Bob" and thrilled Bob's biting his arm.

- Bro names another cat "Diversity"...black cat.

- "Bobby breaks the tackle and scores again!?

- "No trespassing" signs - "Oh ok, well, I was planning on walking on this property that doesn't belong to me, but then there was a sign...so I changed my
mind".

- First scenes: People awing over what seems to be a cut baby...you know, that "oh" shit (a better vocab word would have been "crap"/ then cut camera to Bob
and introduce mo foes to Little Bobby Dylan.
- "Hey, if my balls hurt, does that mean we should order chicken wings?" "Why, yes, of course, Charlie -- and remember the blue cheese...it doesn't work
without the blue cheese." "That does without saying".

- Applied to a bookstore - "Yeah, I like the idea of working at this bookstore. I like books. Never actually read one...but I perspire to".

- Becoming an adult is realizing you're suppose to squint when you read.

- First scenes: Singing in Dylan's voice - "Bobby's in the bedroom he's sittin' there I think - I think he's sniffing my shit-stained underwear... He's a cat but looks like a gray bear he's only months old looks mighty distinguished with that color hair".

- I'm slowly returnin'/ the tortoises' patience is burnin'...

- Blew bubble on train/ could tell dude across from me was impressed/ and now he's wondering what the hell I'm writing down/ motherfucker just don't get it!

- Just drooled on train/ hope nobody noticed/ if they did I hope the slip on it when existing the train.

- Read an encarved "Fuck my cunt" on train door/ was going to write that myself/ somebody beat me to the spot/ Charge!

- Commercial - "Have you ever woken up? Have you ever laughed? Have you ever woken up laughing?...This morning I awoke after a forgotten dream and burst out
laughing...you can do this too!?

- Subbing at Berkeley Carroll (Park Slope Brooklyn)...bareley fell asleep last night...my brain is a-flyin'...the munchkins havne't arrived to class
yet...but...but I can't wait...I'm gonna substitute teach the shit out of these kids...will be reporting back throughout the day...I hope I don't pass out
during class...or do I?...
- these kids are obviously not on the level that I was on at this age (2nd graders)...that kid should just give up now...
- Kids telling jokes like -- "What does the porcupine say to the turtle?"...some bullshit like that...and I tell them -- "It doesn't matter what the
fuck the porcupine said to the turtle."...I hope I didn't say that aloud...the only way that could possibly be funny is if the answer is sexual and that's
not appropiate fo school...abstinence only!...todaboconoma...
- Asked kid if what she said was supposed to be funny..."Well, it's not (snot, short for it's not)...far from it!"...break out scale of what's funny
and what she said breaks the scale...
- Asked kid what he's making in art class...3 seconds pass..."Nevermind, I've lost interest"... - Kid shows me sculpture made in art class/ doesn't know what is was/ and I say, "Well, that's a lot of what art is/ you make something and people
don't understand what it is/ just pretend you do and they'll accept it as art"...
- Kid asks if I teach music...I said, "No...I just look musical"...
- Kid says he just made up joke and I think, "Oh geez, I'm gonna have to fake laugh"..."How do you get good at bowling?"...I answer, "You lose all
your friends pretending you're training for a sport, which bowling is snot"..."You go to the deli and buy a turkey"...wasn't even close to being funny...so
unfunny it fixed that scale and broke it again after the youngster explained to me a turkey is 4 strikes in a row...still not funny...
- Girl said her father was the best in the world at something...I said, "No he is not"...and the class moved forward into the land of reality...
- Kid shows me he made a "bally" out of clay, which I informed him was its original state...I ignored him...seconds ticked and I looked to the left, "Are you still here?"...
- Pile of papers...kid hands his in by placing his in the wrong direction...I ask him "why?"...it was hilarious and educational for us both...
- I'm not saying he's gay...or if he is that there's anything wrong with that...I'm just saying he's pretty gay for a black guy...just saying...

- Person on train switches seat and absoulutely no advantage was achieved...I tell him like a teacher to a student, "Get back to you seat"...

- When doing laundry segregate the socks...that's not racist, it's just a way to be well organized...

- Too much cheese, not enough sause...Too many MCs, not enough Mics...

- It's just this constant rackin' inside my bones/ a mute rattlin' you can't hear/ but I dispise its tone...

- I want my Snapple fact!...

- Is it illegal to put a snot on an elevator?...I do it again...

- First chicken crossed the road joke...

- I called it!...

- Ed's shirt

- I dont' know Simon and don't give a sufkc what he said...

- I Can't Sleep by Kim Graves...

- I'd like to wish everyone a happy Martin Lawerence Jr. Day...the best yet!...

- Was in a bookstore...asked clerk, "Where can I find Idiot's Guide to Find Books in a Bookstore?"...

- Was in the middle of a basketball game...a fan from the stands yelled, "Rebound!"...I must send this man a thank you card asap...it is always useful during
atheletics to receive reminders from friendly fans; otherwise, we'd be lost out on that court and forget something essential like rebounding...or like
another fan screamed, "You suck Kennedy!"...I had forgotten that too...

- 28 days later, still can't believe it's 2010 (wrote on 1/28/10)...

- People say life's not fair...you go IKEA shoppin', see a 329 dollar rug made out of Ghandi's pubic hair and you realize it is fair... - During my trip to IKEA I picked up 3 charges, no flops either, they were legal...always keep stats at IKEA...

- Skikt - how white people discover everything (because they do)...show other races inventhing/discovering things...public doesn't recognize until a white
person takes credit for the discovery...

- Skit - Bro and I eating at Brooklyn deli looking straight out window and having random talk...

- Irrelevant Transitions - little kid tripping for no reason...

- Create list of "I shoulds" but "I'm not gonnas" even though I really should...but I'm not gonna...

- "That's a good look"..."That's an even better one"..."I didn't think it was possible to better than the first"..."The first was a pretty damn good
look"..."Darn, this is PG...but true, the first look..."...

- Headphone joke - comedian thinking headphones tangling up is hilarious...because we can all relate...bringing out zingers 2night...

- Every bad call is the worst call I've ever seen...they must keep on getting worse...

- Stop lookin' in the mirror/ and just work out/ stop conversation about/ just drink wine/ stop watchin' clock/ this ain't no sitcom/ you can't change time/
as you look down the line, the wrong way/ the train will come when it comes...

- "Clicking" or "Clucking" your toungue...remember that?...I forgot about that shit...or would it be funnier if I said...Remember that shit?...I forgot about
that...the placement of shit can determine the number and volume of laughs...

- Think I'm lookin' at you with tired eyes/ you should see my mind...

- My goal in life is to be that guy in a long line turning around, complaining about how "bullshit" this is...

- I see her face/ I'm disapointed, but intriuged/ email me when you figure out what that means...

- "I wear a size 34-30"..."Oh really?...you look like you could fit into a size 32 jean"..."Well, I could, but that size would show off my ass...and I'm not
sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment with the public yet"...

- And add a question mark to the end of everything I've every written/ in case someone catches me in the act of not knowing?...

- Girl in first grade dissects sentence - "They saw the cat"...she says, "Who cares?" like "so what, time is money, they saw a cat, we don't have time to
care about this...

- First scenes - Begin with "blank" vs "blank" question and riff from there...me and bro entering train debating "blank" vs "blank"...Example: Bert vs.
Ernie?...Ernie...Well, yeah, of course Ernie...but I'm very concerned it took you so long to answer...I mean, nothing against Bert, but Ernie's the
man...Ernie's the man without being THE MAN...

- And make no mistake...when Bobby meows he ain't cryin', he's singing...

- People ask what I've been up to...I've been ignoring mirrors...but recently I accidentally caught one and had forgotten how georgeous I "was"...I don't
usually pardon, but..."Am"...

- Toilet joke...blow up bathroom/ sneak out...

...Scraps-n-drafts...

- I’m writing in this just to stay awake…

- “Insomnia ain’t a good life…but it’s mine”…
“The night life ain’t a good life…but it’s mine”…The Strange Boys

- Instead of giving a toast…make toast at dinner…anybody here have their pocket toaster?…

- Dude farts and says to person next to him, “I would say excuse me, but I’m not interested in saying things I don’t mean…so I’m not going to say excuse me”…then he attempts to walk around the person next to him and says, “Excuse me”…the different excuse mes…

- The homeless sleep upon the bench/ not the slightest interested in current events/ he just uses it as a blanket 4 whatever he considers sacred for his future...

- This writing is my footprint/ without it the daydreams are worthless/ unless I convince myself that staring at the wall is my dayshift…

- Had conversation with my cat Lil’ Bobby Dylan today…told him, “Jonathan’s been gone for months…he must miss you so much…I’m sitting right next to you and miss you”…

- You say – the fact of the matter
I say – it’s not about matter of fact, but about my opinion that should be fact…

- “Bob, I think it’s a shame you have to stand and eat,” I said to my cat Lil’ Bobby Dylan...

- Raspberry Iced Tea is my favorite drink and should be everyone’s because it’s that delicious…it’s not?…that’s what I thought…

- Soul pleading the 5th…

- You put the cup in the fridge, it cleans it…it doesn’t?…

- “Go to hell”… "No, I think I’ll stay here……or , oh ok…when’s the next flight?…or should I say dive”…

- Go to the park…write an essay called “Judge” and judge everybody you see…then look in the mirror…and confirm you’re better than everybody…

- Might consider changing blog to “Soul Nuggets”…

- “That place Okeanos…the restaurant in Park Slope…it’s got good stuff…but their glasses have lots of condensation”…
Posted by G-Man at 6:03 PM 0 comments

...Scraps-n-drafts...

- First scenes: "talking about my toe nails makes me feel uncomfortable"...

- "All I really wanna do is go home and put on my Larry David t-shirt"...

- the polite "go fuck yourself" goodbye...try it...

- "I called it" court...

- Avoid clocks...

- Gotta race to the library and get my meditation book...

- "Gotta get this throw-up off the rug"...

- Involuntary gesture

- Guy at gym parody

- Karen Lovely?

- Reading tranny vs. tyranny...

- seems your pets got the answer cuz it don't ask the questions...

- Always clean shaven cause acceptance is a haven...

- "What are you doing?" "Nothing" "Can you stop doing that?"...

- Sir, ask him if he wants your seat...some old lady asked me to do this on the train...

- Speak English!...No, I don't mean it that way...I just want to know what you're saying...

...Scraps-n-drafts...

...he stands up from chair, takes one step, forgetting what he was going to do..."Wait, what was I going to do?...oh yeah, take a shit"...

...Scraps-n-Drafts...

- I missed an opportunity today to really help out a co-worker...I had come out of the bathroom, unisex, and her schedule for nature calling was just behind mine I learned...She said hi, I mumbled the same, I'm more of a nodder, and my hi was distorted by my brain trying to finish its debate over whether I should warn this co-worker about how the person before me peed all over the seat...before my brain finished the debate she had entered the bathroom...and then the next debate started, "Is she going to think I peed all over the seat?"...well, I left, I think, the seat up, so no, she won't think I was the one...I did leave the seat up, right?...

- Not Yoko said, "Oh, he's really going to write that down"...she said this after I said, "Stop digging your back into my elbow...oh, that's good stuff...I should write that down"...I got up to get the notecard I had written the above "pee on the seat" story on, leading her to say, "Oh, he's really going to write that down"...what is it in my mind that makes me believe I should write these thoughts, I call them "ideas", down?...is it my confusion about me thinking I could possibly one day be a writer?...I already am, I'm not?...and does that confusion come from the sleep deprivation?...or was I delusional to begin with?...those are questions to forever ponder, and I'm sure this freckled soul will...but for right now, let's focus on what else I wrote down on that notecard...oh, and by the way, I had said, "Stop digging your back into my elbow" because we were lying in bed and, well, her back was digging into my elbow...

- The joke about this being more like "Monthly Nuggets" is hilarious...hilarious enough to spark a whole new blog of your own...good luck with that...

- Actually talking to ones gut to make decisions in life..."The talking gut"...

- Dissect "Illegitimate Child"...show picture of baby and confirm, "Yes, it's not legitimate"...

- "Who describes a sitting person as tall?"...

- Open up art gallery with children drawings and show people discussing them in the ridiculous way "they" discuss "real" art...

- Things women think of that men never would...like, "I want to have a dinner party"...why as a guy have I never thought, "I'd like to have at least 8 people over and feed them all"?...I have enough trouble feeding myself, forget feeding the faces of my friends and their "partners"...partners?...apparently another law firm has been established...

- Conversation about her pimple hurting and me saying, "Your constant conversation about your pimple hurting is hurting me"...

- "It sounds like the dishwasher's on...but we don't have a dishwasher"..."Yeah, what is that sound?"..."It's the dishwasher"...

- Everybody wants to tell you how busy they are...like you have time to participate in a conversation about how busy somebody else is...apparently they aren't that busy if they have time to discuss how busy they are in a conversation...listing everything they have to do...oh my god!...

- Start writing "Resume"...movie idea I had, and will have again...idea about people being interviewed but using their "real" resume instead of the bullshit ones we all create...

- I was laughing and she asked, "Are you ok?"..."Yeah, I'm laughing"...

- "Do you want to go to the store with me and get stuff to make a fruit salad?"...the idea that somebody would ask me that is hilarious..."Yes, I was sitting here hungover and was thinking I really want to go to the store and get ingredients for a fruit salad"...she's still asking me about the fruit salad as I type this...and I still really want to go to the store and get those ingredients...no, I really do...

- "Oh, I thought you cut that toenail"..."No, well, we've had a good run...might as well keep it going"...

...Scraps-n-Drafts...

- Phone rings...my brother answers, and casually says, "Who the fuck is this?"...and then breaks into Biggie Smalls' song..."paging me at 5:46 in the morning, crack of dawnin, now I'm yawnin, wipe the cold out my eye"...

- Say goodbye to people at a party...and tell them, "Don't move your pivot foot"...walk away...

- "Are you more like your mom or dad?"..."I'm more like my cat"...

- Show about pitching shows...example, pitching show about our cat Bob...today's episode he sits in our apartment's new box...he doesn't?...just did and it just got a thousand hits on Youtube, dude...

- Every kid left back wasn't stupid (except yours)...every kid moved forward, or put in the "gifted and talented program", was not a genius (except mine)...Continue this and relate to art, etc....Most just middle of the road motherfuckers, just trying to earn a buck, looking for some luck...

- My walk / Tiger Woods' swing comparison...how people wonder why I'd change it when it's already perfected...so they think (thank)...

- I am a writer...if there ever was one...recite that line like it's already been sung...a familiar territory...like the words have already come out your lung...

- Excuse me, sir, you're fly is down...No it's not...Now it is...